HOW TO BEEF: A Step by Step Guide

The other day, I was approached by a friend. He invited me to his birthday dinner, but before I could give an answer, he asked me a crucial question of clarification: 

“Wait, are you still beefing with [redacted]?” 

I was no longer Beefing with said person, but it got me thinking: I’ve recently become a real expert at the art of The Beef. And that knowledge should be spread; Beefing is an important tool, and a great way to build bonds amongst others or perhaps break them… 

To Beef as defined by Urban Dictionary, is “to have a grudge or start one with another person.”  Not to be confused with a Quarter Pounder or other meats of that nature. Beef (verb) is something quite different and far less damaging to internal organs. No funny business. To Beef is not to be taken lightly. When one is Beefing, one is on edge. One is gossip. One is fueling or fixing the beef. It is an active battle, it is Peace. Here, I have laid out the perfect recipe to achieve such drama: 

Step One: Find A Partner in Beef.

The perfect partner in Beef is someone you have a certain level of familiarity with, not a complete stranger, but not your best friend either. There is a BALANCE here. If you choose a stranger to Beef with, it's like… what is even the point? It's low hanging fruit- you’re Beefing just to Beef. There should be intention behind your Beef, there should be STAKES. If you’re Beefing with strangers, you are a coward. Plain and simple. So, choose someone you know and someone you have a generally positive or friendly regard with. On the other side of the coin, if you’re choosing a friend you’ve had for years to Beef with, consequences may be too high. Our goal here is Beef and Relief. Choosing an old and very close friend will end up affecting your day to day life in ways you may not be prepared for; the Beef must be from an emotional distance. 

Step Two: The Topic

So you’ve chosen your partner in Beef! Congratulations, this will be a tumultuous but worthy venture. Now we must choose the Beef in question! The topic of the Beef is the real A1 sauce of the whole ordeal, otherwise we’re chewing on dry, fruitless beef. And that is unappetizing for all parties involved. Sometimes, Beef is hard-hitting, truthful, and serious, but it doesn’t have to be. Beef can also be a quick bite, and cardboard like.My personal recommendation: make it something miniscule. Every day of your life, many people will do things that irk you. Most of the time we will move on from such irksome actions. But if you’re looking to Beef, choose one of those irksome actions and make it a big deal. Most Beef should be harmless. It should be Medium Rare not Medium Well, if you catch my drift. The point is, choose something that you’ll be okay with eventually compromising on or that isn’t that important to you in the long run. The activity of Beefing is the exciting aspect, NOT the topic of Beef.

Step Three: Make a Problem Public

Now, in most cases, if you were to have a problem with someone, the mature and responsible thing to do would be to talk it out in person and come to an amicable agreement that ends up improving your relationship and makes you a better member of society. But if you’re looking to Beef, do not expect these outcomes. The component of Beef that really makes it Beef, is the public’s opinion. One who Beefs is one who shouts their unsolicited opinions in the town square, hoping someone might listen! You should make your miniscule problem everyone’s problem. If people aren’t talking about your Beef, mama you’re not Beefing! The easiest way to do this is through a cryptic (or not so cryptic) post on social media. See examples below:

If I posted these today, Beef would surely begin. Bedwetters’ editors Julia and Selin would hate my ass and they’d probably gossip about me, too. And that is the goal - to get people talking about you. At the core of active Beefing, is attention-seeking; This is what makes it such a great boredom combatter. I’ve spent hours of my life squashing the Beef and fueling the Beef. 

After this initial post is when the fun begins. 

Step Four: Action Plan

The rest of Beefing is truly up to you. A Beef can last a week or a year, it comes down to your level of commitment. My recommendation is to spread the Beef - to gossip. This is crucial if you aim to grow the Beef. By sharing, face to face, with a key figure who you know will spread this information amongst friends and mutuals, the Beef expands, the Beef grows, and maybe the Beef becomes flowers without any of your intervention. Let it ebb and flow like a glorious wildfire. Let the Beef transform into truth, into lies, and into Magic. The Beef can become so much more than you’d ever expect. Be careful with the Beef for such reasons - Beef can kill if not cooked correctly. 

Step Five: Squash the Beef

Despite all the fun it is to Beef, Beef must end; it can’t sit in our stomachs forever. It MUST be squashed. I can not recommend letting Beef linger without action as it will spoil. Mold will grow. Methods of “squashing” the Beef solely depend on its level and topic. In some cases, your entire Beefing experience may revolve around squashing, or perhaps squashing is never involved. Squashing the beef can include apologizing, compromising, or infliction of pain/maiming. These are all valid, productive, and oftentimes successful methods of squashing the Beef. As long as it ends.

So, the Beef is over. Maybe you’ve learned something. Maybe you can go see a movie and have a really lovely time with your Ex-Beef partner. Maybe you get drinks afterwards and think, “what were we even fighting about this whole time?” And you can look deeply in their eyes and realize your connection is deeper than it ever could have been. You share a tender kiss, the kind that lingers and you know something beautiful will come from this. Or maybe you lose a friend. Maybe your Beef failed and you ended up ruining a relationship that didn’t have any problems to begin with until you decided to self-sabotage and lose the only true friend you’ve ever known. You know you're destined to a life of loneliness. But that only really happens half the time. No matter what, Beef is always worth a shot. 

Best of luck soldier.