You Had to Be There
You missed the funny part, which is that Chris took off all of his clothes and shit on the floor during family dinner. That’s it, really, but I thought you should know. Now he’s in his room, still naked, and throwing a fit— punching the wall, tossing his phone to the ground, thrashing around in his bed— which, to me, indicates he might be upset. He has put on a pair of underwear and torn it off about three times now; I guess he finds Hanes uncomfortable. This is probably all relevant information.
Chris’s sister is in the bathroom ignoring his anger; “This is your fault!” through the wall, over and over again. She’s watching the Instagram Reels I’ve been sending her. One is a cat spinning in circles to “Love Sosa,” another is of sped-up construction workers digging a hole to “Love Sosa.” Most of them are set to “Love Sosa.” I noticed she played it three times on her way to work at Zara the other day, and I have been curating her life around it since. To my knowledge, she now loves “Love Sosa.” It is “literally how [she] feels likeee!”
Their mother is on the phone complaining about Chris’s “accident.” I hope you know that it was a lot funnier than she’s making it out to be, which is why I told you about it in the first place. She cries on her sister’s shoulders— “Chris took off all of his clothes and shit on the floor during family dinner." She’s making it sound like a tragedy. Well, I know if you had been there, you would have been laughing, which is why I’m telling you about it now. I’m sure it’s different to her; she spends all day homemaking, scrolling through facebook, and meal prepping what she could order from HelloFresh (it’s not lost on me that although she doesn’t order from them, she still sees the advertisements I show her). It’s probably very sad for her in ways which are funny to you.
Outside and down the street, a deer is taking its last breath. Ten minutes ago it was hit by a Subaru going 40mph in a residential area. I watch it open and close its eyes over and over. It could be searching for something that isn’t there. It dies alone in the dead of night, and nobody will notice until the next morning. It had no idea that something extremely funny happened a few hundred feet away. This is probably relevant information.
Chris’s father Googles why some people take off all of their clothes to poop, even though he does it himself. A New York Post article tells him it might have to do with shame. He texts Chris that he has nothing to be ashamed of. Between you and I, Chris has several things to be ashamed of. His search history reveals him to be incredibly insecure. Last week he had a girl over and then looked up “Massachusetts average penis size.” I know that’s not a problem you have to deal with. Not that I’ve seen yours. It’s just that your own history says otherwise.
I hope you agree with me that everything I’ve told you about is funny. I know you’ve never met Chris before, so it’s not really important that this happened to him. I just thought you might appreciate it. If you want, I can try to find someone else out there taking their clothes off and shitting on the floor and tell you as it happens. I was late here, but I still thought you should know. It is funny though, isn’t it? I saw you liked a post about it a few days ago— it is strange, you really only have to take off your pants. I’m not sure why people do it either. But I’d like to thank you for taking the time to hear about it. It’s probably all relevant information.
