Embarrassing: This Guy Left His Funeral Hat on The Bus And Now He Has To Wear His Party Hat to His Wife’s Funeral
It’s been a tough week for Jakob Jillinghall of Fall River, MA, after his wife Claire passed away on Friday. Adding insult to injury, Jakob accidentally left his funeral hat on the bus, and now he has to wear his party hat to his wife’s funeral. Yikes. This is just about the last thing you want to happen when your wife dies.
This whole mess started when his Great Aunt June kicked the bucket last month, and overcome with grief, Jakob left his funeral hat on the bus. Unfortunately, when he came to his senses and visited the bus depot lost-and-found, all they had was 17 propeller hats and one novelty train conductor’s cap, which looked nothing like his funeral hat. He even posted about the missing hat on the local Bus Driver Message Boards, but no one had seen a top hat with the phrase “I’m very sorry for your loss” embroidered into the brim. Rather than help Jakob find his hat, the only thing any of the bus drivers could focus on was the purpose for the embroidery. Jakob explained to them that “it reminds me what to say at funerals– it gives me confidence.”
Without his hat, Jakob’s going to have to be off-book at his wife’s funeral, likely subjecting Claire’s friends and family to an array of wacky, off-the-cuff remarks. The last time he went hatless to a funeral, he made several funeral goers uncomfortable when instead of offering condolences, he spouted conspiracy theories about 9/11. “While I stand by my opinion that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, I would much rather just stick to the script for Claire’s funeral,” said Jakob. He considered just getting a new funeral hat with the same phrase embroidered into it. But then he remembered that Claire was the one who embroidered it, which only made him sad because she’s dead now and thus, can no longer embroider things.
Not to mention how silly he’s going to look wearing his sequin-covered party fedora to give the eulogy. How is anyone going to pay attention to his elegiac tribute to his beloved partner of 25 years when he’s basically got a purple disco ball on his head? Even worse, wearing that party hat always gives Jakob the intense urge to moonwalk, which would likely be considered in poor taste when done mid-eulogy. And then, while the priest performs the scripture reading, ushering Claire into the afterlife, all anyone’s going to be able to think about is Jakob’s awesome party hat. It’s SO awesome, in fact, that whenever Jakob wears it, women can’t help but flock to him. Reflecting on the situation, Jakob said: “Even though I know Claire would want me to move on, doing so at her funeral would NOT be a good look.”
But unless by some funeral miracle, the funeral hat reappears, the party hat is his only headwear option. Maybe if he really leans into all that “funerals are a celebration of life” bullshit, people will give him a pass? Everyone grieves in their own way, right? Regardless, Claire’s funeral is sure to be one to remember.
