I’m Trying to Be a Celebrity Stylist, Do You Think I Have What it Takes?
I’ve always been drawn to fashionable items such as statement necklaces, mixed metals, and sassy men. I will be giving celebrities fashion tips, tricks, and advice.
Yung Gravy
“Pullin' fat hoes so they call me Yung Gravity/Had to pipe your mom but she look just like a manatee/If I hit yo' granny then I hit the whole family.”
- Matthew Raymond “Yung Gravy” Hauri
Matthew Raymond Hauri, known professionally as Yung Gravy, is a Swiss-American rapper. His discography includes one mixtape, four albums, and seven EPs. He reminds me of a guy in high school who you wanted to fuck simply because of his proximity. He’s not cute enough objectively for you to want to fuck, but because he lives down the street and you have a lot of shared locations (class, doctor, dentist, etc.), it would be almost impossible not to fuck him. Similarly to a teacher where you’re like “oh I see you for an hour everyday so of course having sex would probably cross my mind.” I think we’re all just sitting on borrowed time,it’s unbelievable to me that he hasn’t had a racist tweet resurface. Has he been on an episode of “Hot Ones” yet? I think he would say something crazy about his ‘white boy spice tolerance’ and then everyone would freak out and then the bald guy would explode.
Here is an outfit I think he should wear:
Reason:
I think if he’s gonna look bisexual, he has to start acting it. I need to see him defy gender norms in a similar way to Harry Styles at the Met Gala. Like wearing something feminine but done poorly. Sort of like when a father braids his daughter’s hair and all of TikTok is like AHHH AHHH GOALS GOALS but the braid is actually terrible and we’re just clapping for him because he showed that he cares but ultimately it’s a bad braid and the mom has to braid it again after he’s done because it already fell out. I believe giving Yung Gravy braces would be hilarious because I would be interested to see what kind of colors he would choose. Would he do orange and black during October because of the holiday? Or, would he choose clear and let the holiday speak for itself? The deodorant would be a nice touch because I feel he may smell like a soccer uniform at a public school.
Millie Bobby “Bon Jovi” Brown
In a world full of 10’s, be an 11.
-Google Images
Millie Bobby Brown is a British actress. She gained recognition for playing Eleven in the Netflix science fiction series, Stranger Things, for which she received two Primetime Emmy Awards nominations. In a way, she sort of reminds me of a babysitter who invites her boyfriend over to the house she's working at and spends the whole time fighting with him and the kids are bouncing off the walls but she puts them to bed hungry. When the parents get home they pay her only $15 an hour, but Millie is kinda cool with that because her parents pay her cellphone, car, and credit card bill. And she’s only there to put it on her National Honor Society application.
Here is an outfit I think she should wear:
Reason:
Bitchhhhhh, Millie and I went out last night and I know for a fact she has the Sunday scaries. Like I swear to god, I’m surprised she made it out of the pregame. She kept saying stuff like “I’m gonna drink so much that I might die tonight” and I was like, “Okay bitch, well you’re gonna need something stronger than a Mike’s Hard.” She was GONE. She was guessing people’s weights at the party, I tried to stop her but once you get that bitch going she doesn’t stop. She kept yelling “Let me up there” and we were all like “where??” and she pointed to a tiny ass shelf. I was like, does this bitch really think she can fit on that shelf?? Then, she ripped my SKIMS bodysuit and I Venmo requested her for it and she declined. I hate her ass. Anyways, I think she’ll need this hangover-ready outfit. If I was her, I would delete social media and also the Uber app because she got BANNED FROM UBER FOR PUTTING HER HANDS OVER THE DRIVER’S EYES. She literally got white girl wasted.
Meghan Markle
“Do what you have to in order to stop what you don’t want going on”
-Me
Meghan, Duchess of Sussex is an American member of the British royal family and former actress married to Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, the younger son of King Charles III. Meghan is a girl’s girl through and through - she will make sure your tampon string isn’t visible like a dick print in gray sweatpants. She’ll tell you if you have ketchup in your face or if you are swollen like a tick due to an underlying auto-immune disorder you developed after contracting the novel COVID-19 virus. I wonder if she has ever left an ass sweat stain on a science lab stool in class and then tried to mop it up with her sleeve before her crush sees it. That would make her a very relatable princess to me. I also love her work on Suits because when I watch her, I never believe the plot. I actually just think about how nice it is that she had a job before becoming royalty. Suits is insane. It's actually a show, those people aren’t real, they are actors not lawyers. They’re probably not even friends in real life.
Here is an outfit I think she should wear:
Reason:
This one has a lot of layers, so I’ll start with the suit. Obviously it’s an homage to her character on the show Suits. The hair, well I just think it’d be interesting to see how she navigates sitting on the toilet with that long ass hair. Would she pee on it? Would she tie it up? It is also the hairstyle that came up when I searched for the vocaloid “Hatsune Miku”; a character in which the first girl in my grade to grow boobs dressed up as on Halloween. I went to her birthday party and misspelled the word “awesome” on her card. The Dior bronzer is to accentuate her natural beauty. The friendship bracelets are obviously because she is going to the Taylor Swift “Eras” tour and she wanted to feel like she belonged to something bigger than her. The pussy hat is because she recently took up knitting and found the cheapest pattern on Etsy and legitimately thinks it's just a regular cat pattern and doesn’t have anything to do with that feminist shit.
In Conclusion
Sometimes, I regret my degree in the Visual and Media Arts. I find it useless. I can’t perform a surgery, tie a sailing knot, or take care of myself how I should. I think a career shift into the world of celebrity styling would make me feel beautiful and strong, like a pandemic nurse. These celebrities are in the fashion ICU, and I, like Balto the hero vaccine dog, can deliver them the style antidote that they so desperately need.