What I Think These Five Housewives Would Be Like as My Driving Instructor
I’m 21 and I still don’t know how to drive. (I tried once when I was 16 and ran over like 4 different curbs, and I got too freaked out). I didn’t learn how to tie my shoes until I was eight, and I still don’t know how to ride a bike. There are a lot of things I can’t do–let's be real, nobody's perfect. Sometimes I chalk it up to being a late bloomer; I didn’t realize I was bisexual until my senior year of high school (apparently the incessant rewatches of the Hunger Games didn’t ring any alarms).
Truthfully, I’m okay with not knowing how to do a lot of things. Not having my license was my cross to bear. And one I bore proudly until I realized… If I'm (potentially) going to be moving out to LA soon, I’m going to need to learn how to drive. And, because all of my friends and family are too scared to get in a car with me behind the wheel, I decided to utilize my extensive Real Housewives knowledge and deduce how some of Bravo’s finest might fare as my driving instructor.
Ramona Singer:
As a New Yorker, I think she’d be pretty good at navigating, but if I were to make a wrong turn or miss a green light she’d freak-the-fuck out on me: Telling me that blind a dog wouldn't have missed that turn, or how my hair is too greasy, or how I’m such a beautiful girl, and it’s a shame that I dress a little too gay. It’s all a part of her process..So she claims. I think at some point she’d forget she was my driving instructor and start treating me like her personal assistant. She’d have me run errands for her like picking up her dry cleaning in the upper west side, and dropping her off at cryo-therapy on wednesdays.
Kyle Richards:
Because Kyle’s a mom of four girls, she could definitely handle the high pressure situation of teaching me how to drive. Of course, she’d be tough on me and constantly remind me how dangerous driving is, which in turn would only make my OCD worse. Oh and she definitely wouldn’t let me play my music during our first few lessons. “Driving with music is a privilege, I don’t want you getting distracted”. Which is fair to say, but then she’d totally negate her point by putting on Sirius XM ever so quietly..She does know I can hear it right? When it comes to parallel parking, she’d make me get out and do it herself. “It’s just easier if I do it.”
Teresa Giudice:
Another mom of four girls who I think would handle a stressful situation well. No highways for our first lesson. I mean, let’s face it, it’s every man for themself on I-95. It’s a fucking blood bath out there. Teresa just doesn't have the patience for a lesson on merging on the Jersey Turnpike. Despite me being a new driver, she’d have me pick up her youngest girls from school, drop them off at their after-school activities, and then pick up groceries because I have to help her with the sauce for Sunday night dinner. As a treat for doing such a good job, we’d go get pignoli cookies from her favorite Italian bakery and listen to Deepak Chopra in her car.
Tamara Judge:
Tamara lives life fast. She’s intense. She’d strongly advise I learn stick shift first, even though I am nowhere near ready for it. My practice in a Jeep with the doors off, as it “will force me to be more careful—and it also looks sick as fuck.” But because she’s incredibly sensitive, and any challenge to her methods would be met with defensiveness. I am also a very reactive person who doesn't handle criticism well under pressure, so at least one of us will be crying by the end. Of course, this would all happen before we even pull out of the driveway.
And last, but certainly not least…
NeNe Leakes:
NeNe would take on the role of my driving instructor in stride. She’d probably lean into her acting skills and pull from Roz Washington of Glee. She’d put me through driving drills like: parking in between the cones, and 3 point turns in-under a minute blowing her whistle to point out any mistakes. Determined, focused, and raw passion NeNe–I mean Roz– would make me feel like I'm a gangly 12-year-old at swim practice again. Not a mental state I'd like to be in while trying to make a U-turn.
Now, If I had to pick anyone out of the 5 women I’ve mentioned, Kyle would probably be the most logical choice. I need a calm but firm hand for my first few lessons. But just like I quit lacrosse because it was too difficult and scary, I'll probably quit driving after a few lessons. So I guess my options are to walk to work, or move to a walkable city.
Honorable Mentions:
Bravo-lebirites I think would be good at teaching me how to ride a bike, but then post a video of me falling on their Instagram reels to “This Girl is On Fire” by Alicia Keys:
Lisa Barlow
Denise Richards
Bethenny Frankle
Kim Richards
Jen Shah
Andy Cohen