Letters to a Woman You Love

For when your girlfriend’s outfit is too damn much. 

Hey (insert gf name),

First of all, love what you’ve been doing lately. As your boyfriend, I am very happy and blessed to bear witness to your accomplishments and female greatness. I cherish you as a goddess and a sexual deviant who finds ways to break the rules without batting an eye. Also, I find your outfits to be loud, intrusive, and uncomfortable to those around you. If you wish to continue being my gf, I ask that you buy a form fitting white t-shirt and a tasteful pair of red jeans. Please style this with a pair of chunky Filas and wear those as if they are your uniform. If you could start wearing gold jewelry instead of silver, I would like that very much. Again, so lucky to have you in my life and I find it very sexy when you follow my rules and do what I say. Also, remember when you tore through the two pound steak on our first date? I am hard right now because I am thinking about that. 

Best,

(Insert Your Name)

For those days where you forget her name.

Hey girl,

Do you love acrostic poems as much as me? I am writing you this letter to show you my love for them, and hope that you could make one with your name as well! Here it goes: (this is where you would make an acrostic poem of your name.) If your name is Dan you could do Dynamite Anime Necessity. Also, it would be so sexually satisfying for me if we could make our own name tags and wear them all the time. 

Best,

(Insert Your Name)

For when she’s not feeling well.

Hey (gf name),

I noticed that, due to not feeling well, your attitude and anxieties have heightened. Not feeling well could be caused by a lot of things such as your poor diet, lack of vitamin D, or the way you were raised. These are all contributing factors. I wish that I could make you feel better. Maybe you should go to the store and get Ibuprofen and some Pedialyte. Also, if you’re already heading to the store, can you get me a couple of bags of white cheddar Cheetos and maybe a stick of deodorant? I ran out of mine a week ago and have been using yours. I also don’t think it would hurt if you got me some blue razors and you some of those pink ones. I’m pretty sure the pink ones have extra moisturizer to balance your pH and that’s why it costs more. So if you think about it you’re actually getting more bang for your buck with the pink tax. Thanks! Also, could you be quiet when you’re leaving, you walk with heavy steps due to your being heavier than you were in high school- do you ever think about that?

Best,

(Insert Your Name)

When life is grim and she may not go on. 

Dear (insert gf name),

Please scan this. 

Love,

(Insert Your Name)

When she’s letting herself go.

Hey babe,

Last week when we celebrated our nine month-iversary, I literally almost cried from how long we’ve been dating. That’s such a fucking milestone. I am already dreaming of our 10 month date. How cool would it be if we had a hashtag? A couple’s hashtag that I could like, hashtag, under pictures of us. If we get married, we could also put a QR code on the wedding invite that just brings whoever scans it to our hashtag. Hey, btw, how would you feel about using a gua-sha? I read that they can naturally sculpt your face. I would love it if maybe we both do a cute coupley gua-sha moment. You know, I do it for like five minutes, warm it up, and you go to town on your face, for maybe 30-35 minutes. I do love your round face, but the fox look of Bella Hadid is IN. You kinda remind me of Rowley in the live action Diary of Wimpy Kid movies. That guy is hilarious. However, I don’t know if I would like to date him though, so maybe if you and him were more different, that would be awesome. I love laughing at him but I wouldn’t love him romantically.

Best,

(Insert Your Name)